ruth’s megillah

this is much more difficult to write than i first imagined. i first started drafting this back in January after dovbear had several posts on hats.

i’ve gone back and forth about what I want to write, my experiences both in my previous life and now; my interpretations as to why some feel the need for a uniform — of others and of themselves; what the definition of all of this is.

let’s see if i can come up with a coherent post. this topic is vast and i’ll see where my interest lies and where i think i want to go with it, also where if anyone has interest in my digging up or writing more.

i’ve always been drawn to uniforms for a sense of belonging. i don’t necessarily need that uniform to be part of an organization (such as a brownie uniform, or a school, or something). I see it as a stable view of me.

When I started junior high i was given some money to shop and buy new clothing. i went with a family friend (also my age). she picked out several different outfits… none of which could mix or match. i chose 2 pants (navy/black), 2 skirts (navy/black, knee length, tznius? i had no idea what that was yet), and 3-5 tops (i’m sure white, and something else, probably white and white). then i chose a dress that i felt i could wear for a while. i think it was a shift/jumper thing. probably in a solid color so i could put other things with it.

my mother and family friend thus called me “plain jane”. I just saw it as a practical uniform to put on where i didn’t have to think about it. i didn’t want people to look at my clothing labels (my school was very GAP-centric) but look at me. the cuts fit on my 12 year old body and they weren’t cropped or anything that was of style then. which my mom wanted me to wear. because they were cool. my mother also bleached my hair that summer so i’d look cool for the start of school. as it grew out (along with a horrible hair cut) i was taunted with “ruth has dirty blond hair”.. and i’m sure you can guess which word was emphasised, but i digress.

oh and i kept much of the clothing that i picked out for myself, but my budget was increased and the dress was put back and i was told to take this hideous pastel-floral thing with puffy sleeves. that could only be worn for a bit in the spring time. i think i wore it twice. i recall they tried to get me to purchase something trendy. i believe i resisted.

in highschool i pretty much lived in several uniforms depending on what i was doing. i had my athletic uniform for that aspect of my life. i lived in jeans and turtlenecks or tshirts for school (most tshirts had athletic stuff on them). for the other part of my life i had appropriate clothing for that activity — either khakis and polo shirts or formal clothing.. i did branch out beyond the navy and black but wasn’t very happy with myself. my classmates constantly made fun of my clothing, no matter what label it had, mostly because i didn’t know how to wear it and i tend to pick things out more appropriate for someone 20-30 years my senior.

i left for college with long skirts and sneakers. i thought it was slightly more adult. i then met and discovered what orthodox girls (women) wear. and i freaked. i stopped wearing skirts so as not to wear the uniform of someone i wasn’t and confuse people (especially when i was eating a meat+cheese sandwich over pesach).

we’ll ignore that i had begun reading about religion over the summer and one of my first courses was a compairson of religion course. i was on the path then…

we’ll skip a bit of time until i started the offical conversion process and moved into a frum area.

er, wait, let’s skip to the present. or very recent past… (around january)

I was walking home with a neighbor, with whom i am not very friendly but we have seen each other for years and nod to each other on the street. One day she bluntly asked where i was from because i was obviously not from “here” as i wore a certain article of clothing differently.

When i returned home i almost broke into tears. I had no idea that my uniform would single me out so much as an outsider? especially since i thought i had spent years (and many dollars) ‘perfecting’ my look to blend in. and i realized i don’t.

some examining of my wardrobe did indicate that i do stick out like a sore thumb.

i have more black skirts than I can count, some (ok 1 i prefer over all others and would LOVE to duplicate it before it is completely threadbare — in black and other colors). ok, that blends in.

However, i do not generally wear the dress (or casual dress) shoes most women here wear and generally have trainers on. This is from my athletic background and the fact that i walk everywhere i can. Since I’m under 55 this does raise a flag since I’ve not seen many women younger than that wear anything other than pointy toed black shoes with heels.

i don’t always wear a shaitel, when i do it never looks perfect like everyone else, nor did my own hair before i was married. i tie my tichel in “innovative” ways for where i live. it’s always commented that i tie it “differently”.

For a long long time i thought i had bitten and was wearing the local uniform hook, line and sinker. i didn’t think the little things i did different stuck out so much. my neighbor’s comment hit me. i’m still not sure if it hurt (i know that she has me labeled as bt, i’m not sure if a convert) or if i’m proud of it.

(pause for introspection)

i think given the other frustrations i’m currently having with where i live i’m embracing her comment as a compliment. i am, however, trying to regulate my uniform so that it won’t change so much day-to-day (long skirt, drab colors, shaitel one day; not so long, but still tznius skirt, slightly brighter colours, tichel the next…). i do wish my husband approved of long denim skirts to replace the jeans i miss terribly. they were comfortable and i don’t want to get into the pant/skirt debate here. not that i don’t have it with myself many days. he thinks long denim skirts (you know, the kind you can wear and not have to shave anything?) are only for high school girls. *sigh*

i think i’ll stop here for now. i’m not quite sure where i’m going with this and i do know this isn’t to post i first intended to write. i hope anything more i have to say doesn’t end up sitting in a drawer like my megillat ruth series as i want to take that public as me. which i both do and don’t. which is now hard to do. hmm.

open call anyone want me to talk about any aspect of this anymore? i do think eventually i would like to make some comments on what i’ve observed recently of school children, but this is observation only. i have no first-hand knowledge, nor have i ever spoken to one about their uniform.

1) A link to the previously mentioned shiur can be found at Jews by Choice – A Look in the Beit HaMidrash of Avraham Avinu and the Future of Judaism. I haven’t had the time to listen to it yet.. if i had a written transcript ..

2) I have not forgotten my Ruth writings. I’m struggling with this. Part of me would like to have my name on it, and a large part is embarassed at how ignorant I am of learning. How little things seem so big to me and when I discuss them with my husband and others, they seem shocked that I am amazed by this new-found knowledge.

3) I have a long list of other topics I would like to discuss, including but not limited to: the changing perception of “frum”, b’ivrit, changes in individuals when they discover your status, uniforms, and much more. Maybe. bli neder. I have a lot on my plate so I’m not sure when I’ll get to this…

4) I have a long list of topics I’ve missed discussing this year. Maybe around Sukkos I’ll post about Pesach…

[updated with men's info and edited for clarity]

YU’s Center for Jewish Future Sunday morning programs for men and women has a very interesting looking shiur lineup for this sunday.

Rabbi Dr. Nathan Lopez Cardozo
Jews by Choice – A Look in the Beit HaMidrash of
Avraham Avinu and the Future of Judaism

He is giving the shiur first to the men (at 9:30 am) and then to the women (at 10:30).

I wish it were possible for me to attend. I wonder if a recording of the program will be placed at yu torah.org after.

dov bear has a very nice post on Perushim (those where were meticulous) and Amei Ha’aretz (those not so meticulous). He speaks about modern equivalents.

I have felt the pain of being stigmatized. Years after my conversion, with a fully kosher home… I will not go into some other things that have happened, they are far too personal. In the past, when I was “new” to all of this, I fell victim to stringencies in an attempt to “be accepted” (it didn’t work) and slightly excluded others as not being “proper enough”. I regret this every day and ask for forgiveness each and every night (does anyone know where to find the text of ribono shel olam part of kriat sh’ma al hamita online?) and year. This is something I’m currently struggling with and may or may not post about them.

I just ask you to read and take to heart DovBear’s request.

And weren’t they wise? Don’t we see this happening in our own day? All of our modern subsects are, to an extent, the product of stringencies.

Wouldn’t Judaism -universal Judaism- be so much stronger if we followed the approach of the Sages and stopped using stringencies as an excuse for excluding and belittling other Jews?

* a chabad flavoured definition of ahavat yisrael

The White Rose: Eating Disorders in (Orthodox) Judaism is a beautiful post by Chana.

Please remember that boys are also affected. I have no idea if it’s prevalent at all in the Orthodox community, but would be surprised if they are not. (I’m not talking about obesity. I know it is, I see that every day; I’m talking ana or bulima). In high school (I attended public school), a very good friend of mine was a wrestler. I worried about him throughout the wrestling season (winter) as he worked hard to remain in a slightly lower weight class. I am happy that today he is well. He has a rounded outlook on life and I wasn’t too worried about him but the many others who spun out of control. It’s very easy to spin out.

I’ve been invited to a wedding during the last week of April. This suprised me as I assumed there would be no weddings until at least 16 May (lag b’omer) as I understood minhag. And then I found this shiur by Rabbi Eliezer Melamed.

I know little about this yeshiva, and even less about this rabbi. I’m a bit hesitant to post this as I need to check the sources (Mishnah Berurah 529:16; Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chaim 546:1) and ask some questions and learn a good deal.

Hmm.. lots to think about and learn. I should get back to reviewing the haggadah.

And I find it very sad that it needed to be written. Common Sense (or lack thereof) was found by orthomom.

projgen found this great guide to reducing pesach pressure. One thing that bothers me is the statement, “Never let your husband, or especially children, hear you kvetch (complain) about how hard you’re working, how dried out your hands have become, how tired you are, etc. If you must vent, talk to your sister, rebbetzin, mother or friends. Your family will appreciate the holiday much more if they have the sense that you enjoyed preparing for it.” Uhm.. my husband helps. We couldn’t imagine it any other way. There are somethings that only I do, but that is because my work schedule has me home at an earlier hour. There are some things only he does (and this is year-round as well) because I don’t like doing them. I’d say our pesach prep is pretty evenly split between the two of us. So I don’t fully understand that statement, but whatever. We don’t go crazy, there is no need to.

In early Friday procrastination and randomness I meandered through ritualwell earlier today and found this T’chine for Passover. Interesting.

I do need to go through my cookbooks (including this wonderful one) and decide what I’m cooking and baking this pesach and lock away the ones that have been cooked in. Oh and schedule an appointment with my inlaws vacuum the car. It’s these little things that I often forget. I have to find my “forbidden foods” list too. Even though I cook simple things and take my husband with me when shopping, I sometimes forget if a food is kitniyot or not. It’s the one thing that drives me absolutely batty about pesach and something I didn’t know about until I was in University. No rice, peas, corn. *sigh*

Ok, back to work.

gut shabbos.

when thoughts turn to renewals and beginnings.

It’s spring and slowly we begin to see renewal and new beginnings sprout and chirp around us. The merriment of Adar and Purim is drawing to a close and Nisan is about to blossom. I’m a bit early for parts of this post, but as I have a little bit of time to edit and polish this, I thought I would do it now before pesach preparations completely over take me.

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