If you are thinking of converting and stumbled across this blog on your late night surfing of the internet. I know I am not the first to say it. It is not an easy journey. I do not regret for one moment the choice I made, as difficult as it seems at times; as painful as it has been for family members (and the stress it causes me when they are ill). I do not recommend it for you. Be prepared for pain.

It was easier years ago. People seemed more open to “l’etranger”, to the other. They didn’t question my status. They didn’t care. If they knew, that didn’t change anything. I’m not sure this is the case anymore. Recently (long since conversion, it’s been quite a few years) I have seen friendships and other relationships of various degrees disintegrate because of who am I, once my “status” becomes known (presumably by gossip, and I did not tell it). I have had some very difficult public encounters, and while they may be right (I have not asked shailah on them because of the pain the subject causes), I disagree with the manner in which they have been executed. Yet few seem to side with me. It has caused public humiliation and singling out not just of me but other converts. Every move I make is questioned and debated, generally as if I were a child. Conversations are held “over my head” and I’m told what to do. Please. I have learned the halachah. I had very rigerous session(s) with the beis din before they decided I was ready. At times I thought I was learning for smichah, not conversion, with the details I was required to learn of kashrut. I will listen to you and obey you if you are learned and speaking with authority. I know much of this new vocabulary, which I learned as an adult. Sometimes I might know the word only in religious context and when it’s thrown out in the wilds I might question it until my brain kicks in. (The first time I saw the word “estrog” alone .. I asked my husband what it was. He understood why and explained and agreed, it did look quite out of place where it was.) I’m not going to detail all the questions, all the rudeness, all the questions that are asked of me and only of me. My dress and habits are closely scrutinized by certain people who I believe have no duty or right to do so. My husband (and often their children) will go around with worse digressions (none of which are major) and nary a word is said. If I have so much as one thread of clothing misplaced…. Regarding certain information or objects that I request, I am told “it is not important” or treated as a child and told that “i wouldn’t understand”. I am thankful these days that as a woman I am “not expected” to be in shul. There are certain shuls I will no longer set foot in no matter what. And that saddens me a good deal. A few have corrupted the majority. Words and concepts are constantly defined for me, even if i just used them to the other person. Often what may occur is that I will follow an entire conversation with an individual and then the next day when a word comes up singly (see estrong above) I may ask the meaning of a word, in context I understood, but alone the word surprised me. I am sorry for not immediately adding it to my corpus. I am told to “daven in English”. I won’t get into this now, but I read Hebrew perfectly well (out loud in front of others I get nervous and slow down, but trust me, I can read). I actually know a good majority of the words, something I don’t think everyone who davens b’ivrit does. My husband doesn’t know every word (he does know more then me). When one behaves in a rude way to me, I am never offered an apology from any of the parties in question nor a reason as to why they did what they did. To someone else? It comes in a heartbeat. Many believe that my kitchen will never be kosher enough. In an attempt to fix this, I rekashered it milchich so as to not worry that my husband (who was not raised with a fully kosher kitchen (aka two sets of everything). plus we are vegetarian so why bother having fleishic?)) inadvertaintely treif it. [the rare times my husband decides he wants meat, we either go out, or I change the tablecloths and we eat on disposable. it happens maybe twice a year.] That I will eat items not cholov yisrael makes me less “something”. I’m sorry, perhaps that is true. If I can find the product cholov yisrael I try to purchase that. We have started to buy “regular” milk because my husband balked greatly at the grocery bill. I cut out meat and lots of “frivolous foods” so switching milk was the next step. In the US it’s still considered kosher by most authorities. I no longer eat tootsie rolls, which I miss terribly (they are not kosher at all), am I to give up m&m’s and snickers bars too (which are OU-D, not cholov yisrael)? If there was a cholov yisrael equivalent i would jump at it. trust me. I do not eat soy bacon, at least not since i started the path to judaism. [i ate some while on a vegetarian phase in jr high] (i do eat soy pepperoni on occasion, but never on pizza). i have a difficult time eating kosher california sushi rolls, just because it’s “crab”. i saw “shrimp” in the freezer section the other day and while i’m insanely curious i don’t dare, nor ask my husband to pick it up either, in case someone sees him or i purchasing it. Even though I have seen many with it in their cart. I would love to buy some and invite my mother for a meal. She would love to see “shrimp scampi” on the menu. I am ignored if I have my hair up in a ball cap, yet individuals fall over themselves to say hi when I’m in shaitel or snood and a long black skirt. They say “oh we can’t wait to see you at the simchah/siyum/etc” … and no invitation ever materializes. I’m not sure how to pose this question directly to the host but excuses have become more and more interesting. We won’t talk about the envelopes that come addressed to “Ruth’s In-laws & Son”– and those are from people invited to our wedding. For those who didn’t, i can not fault. (nb: my husband is the only son.)

And of course there are those who are not religous, and I get a long litany from them. Why do I not ignore them all completely? Many have been my friend for a long time. Some I work with. Some have helped me through difficult times. I think it would be chillul hashem to say, I’m sorry, I’m Jewish now, I can’t talk with you ever again. It’s ok for me to say I’m sorry, I can’t eat with you there, or meet with you on that day or time; can we compromise? (They don’t always see it that way. I have drifted away from them).

I could go on and on. but why? This is helpful to me in getting it out, but what good does it do others?

I’ve come to realize that what i was warned many years ago and didn’t believe (because it wasn’t true at the time) is true today.

I will always be on the outside looking in. to some, no matter who has certified my conversion, it will never be enough. it is not enough to be the daughter of Avraham Avinu (our father) and Sarah Imanu (our mother). Nor to follow in the steps of Ruth. they will always question me. keep me away so as not to corrupt their perfect vision of judaism.

And this is what I tried to get away from. Men who believed they know more than G-d.

there is more i want to say but will not for now. i worry i have done enough damage.

This Elul I will be looking inside myself and looking to correct these wrongs. Why am I blaming these individuals? Who am I to pass judgment on their actions? I am the one being rude. I am a stranger. I will always be. I know that I will never be accepted by others. I just hope that one day I have the understanding and (if i might be so bold) the wisdom to accept myself.

. . .

Many of my husband’s relatives and neighbors have married in the past couple of years.

We were invited to ONE wedding out of, say 15, opportunities (a.k.a. my husband’s parents were invited and attended).

I am not sure why, but it hurts. I see some of these people in shops and such and they walk by me as if I don’t exist.

Even my inlaws claimed surprise that invitations were not extended to include us. I’m convinced it’s me. What am I doing wrong?

Right. That’s helping lots of things.

יהושע בן פרחיה וניתאי הארבלי קיבלו מהם יהושע בן פרחיה אומר עשה לך רב וקנה לך חבר והוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות
. . .
Choose yourself a mentor;
Acquire yourself a friend;
And make it your habit to judge every person favorably.
~Yehoshua ben Perachia (pirkei avos 1:6)

I am trying. I am trying.

update: (sun 07.16.06) orthomom posted this post of links.

A gut voch, may it be one of PEACE

I should have posted this yesterday… or months ago…

thus refection, and silence. [it's also a busy summer for me, b'H .. I don't really have much time to do what I wanted learning-wise and here. if anyone has suggestions for balancing learning (even a solid 5 min), husband, works, and household I am open]

Seven Things I’d Like to Do Before I Die:

1. Visit Israel
2. Speak better Hebrew
3. Stop feeling that as a convert I’m a second-class citizen within Jewry and be treated with respect by my community. I would like for when someone learns of my ‘journey’ they don’t a) ask me why i did it. or b) immediately assume i know nothing about judaism and start defining every word they use.
4. Read and understand all the words of the entire Torah b’ivrit
5. Keep my work spaces clean for longer than 30 minutes
6. Be able to devote more time to learning Torah
7. Plan a proper week of meals

Seven Things I Can’t Do:

1. Speak with my father. He passed away when I was little
2. Plan a proper week of meals. For seven lunches, dinners, and breakfast.
3. Grow taller (I’m near 5′)
4. Keep houseplants alive for longer than 3 months
5. Enjoy the telephone.
6. Ride a bike comfortably with lots of car-traffic.
7. Swim. Which is amusing as I grew up near the water and my father was a lifeguard from a very young age. [note, i am not afraid to swim in the water, I can dog paddle all day, I just do not know any "proper" swim strokes]

Seven Things That Attracted Me to My Partner:

1. His kindness
2. How he listens to me and treats me as an equal.
3. His infinite supply of patience and understanding
4. He vacuums.
5. He irons.
6. He has great fashion and people sense.
7. His care for others, through giving tzeddekah or otherwise

Seven Books That I Love:

1. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett — a family friend gave me this in a beautiful hard cover when I was 10 or so. I think I read it monthly for the next many many years. I still read it often.
2. Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card — I didn’t learn of this until University …
3. Ayn Rand — I enjoyed both The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged
4. Mercedes Lackey — Valdemar series is amazing
5. Anne McCaffrey — Pern is amazing
6. James Michener — Chesapeake was the first of his works that I read. I found all of his novels quite fascinating. I have a very soft spot for historical fiction.
7. The Torah, Neviim, Ketuvim — with soft spots for any parts featuring amazing women

Seven Movies I Watch Over and Over:
I don’t watch many movies. I never have…

1. Star Wars. Original only.
2. This one version of the Secret Garden … I’ll try to get details. My mum has the VHS

Seven People I Want to Tag:
Ok, I don’t have any people who haven’t recently done this meme, so if you feel inspired feel free!

I am shuddering from the thoughts of this. This is not my preferred term (or use) of uniforms. My heart breaks for the other minorities being forced to wear red (Christains) and blue (Persian). Idon’t know what to say. I am saddened that I don’t know what to do. I feel the same way with the child abuse scandal. With many other problems. How can I take action?

I must admit that a large part of me wants to either stick my head in the sand (when the weather is nice) or hide under a rock (for the recent weather). I don’t want to believe that all of this is happening. This sort of thing is *not* really what I was intending on covering in this “uniforms” series (nor did I want to write the other post. EVER. but I digress). I must state that I think I was trying to arrive at the following. There is a disturbing reality of being “ignored” by a certain community if one does not subscribe to the community’s uniform (hat, shaitel, kollel, shirt color, tablecloth). I agree one could (and perhaps SHOULD) be viewed as an “outsider” but that is not a good method to completely ignore the outsider in the hopes that he or she goes away or completely conforms to your ‘standards’ without making any effort to assist them make that decision. (see ostrich and rock methods above)

I think.

I’m going to go crawl under the covers.

1. New York Magazine article
2. angrysoul (found via dovbear) talks about his abuse.
3. orthomom see also here
4. dovbear (beware of the length of the comment thread) [he has others, just go look: here, here, here, here, and here (i think i screwed up the order, does it really matter?) ]
5. ren reb [a very very well written and tempered post. i agree with everything, including the reminder that it *strong* is an illness]

I don’t know what else to say other than wanting to scream and puke. I would try to tear people’s eyes and throats out from anger of so many knowing and no one doing but as no one did anything that point is moot (they must not have seen nor been able to say).

I have been drafting this post for ages. I think you should just go read the other posts linked from here. I’m going to try to refrain from putting my head through a wall.

It was quoted in the NY Magazine article, but i must include it here (as it was quoted there):

“He who saves one life is like saving the world. That’s what the Torah says.”

unrelated note: I am aware quite a few people know who I am. I will thus not be posting many topics I was planning on. Thank you and have a nice day.

this morning he woke, showered, and grabbed a suit (he doesn’t own plain black on principle), as he was feeling groggy he took a white shirt (he rarely wears plain white), and then took a tie — with a theme for the weather. took out his shoes, added a belt and bam! he was dressed.

i know then men’s dress is really much more complicated. so many factors are considered: the cut of a jacket, to wear or not to wear a plain black suit, which type of yamulke…

i know that hats are a big deal. we’re not a hat family.

but it’s still so much simpler. i’m trying to have that type of wardrobe, but people don’t want to see me in a navy or black skirt/suit all the time. i tried that at the office for a year. one day i arrived in a different skirt that had been hanging in my closet for years and EVERYONE from my boss to the mail clerk commented on how nice i looked. i thought i looked nice most days…

[this post really isn't related to judaism at all. it's just a male/female thing. i do know of women who have a "uniform" of sorts, but i still don't think they have that type of mix and match -- or even wear the same thing all week and just change your tie -- versatility. please, someone correct me if i'm wrong and help me rebuild a decent wardrobe]