ruth’s megillah

once known, there is a question at every turn.

If you are thinking of converting and stumbled across this blog on your late night surfing of the internet. I know I am not the first to say it. It is not an easy journey. I do not regret for one moment the choice I made, as difficult as it seems at times; as painful as it has been for family members (and the stress it causes me when they are ill). I do not recommend it for you. Be prepared for pain.

(more…)

Israel, my heart is with you.

. . .

Many of my husband’s relatives and neighbors have married in the past couple of years.

We were invited to ONE wedding out of, say 15, opportunities (a.k.a. my husband’s parents were invited and attended).

I am not sure why, but it hurts. I see some of these people in shops and such and they walk by me as if I don’t exist.

Even my inlaws claimed surprise that invitations were not extended to include us. I’m convinced it’s me. What am I doing wrong?

Right. That’s helping lots of things.

יהושע בן פרחיה וניתאי הארבלי קיבלו מהם יהושע בן פרחיה אומר עשה לך רב וקנה לך חבר והוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות
. . .
Choose yourself a mentor;
Acquire yourself a friend;
And make it your habit to judge every person favorably.
~Yehoshua ben Perachia (pirkei avos 1:6)

I am trying. I am trying.

Jameel and ynet

update: (sun 07.16.06) orthomom posted this post of links.

A gut voch, may it be one of PEACE

I should have posted this yesterday… or months ago…

Today was a fast day and the start of the three weeks. I’d provide links but I’m just not in the mood. The whole situation in Israrel … I don’t know what to say or how to say it, but in a sad way it’s helping me focus on these three weeks and tisha b’av..

thus refection, and silence. [it's also a busy summer for me, b'H .. I don't really have much time to do what I wanted learning-wise and here. if anyone has suggestions for balancing learning (even a solid 5 min), husband, works, and household I am open]

projgen tagged me for this meme… and I see we have some similar responses!

Seven Things I’d Like to Do Before I Die:

1. Visit Israel
2. Speak better Hebrew
3. Stop feeling that as a convert I’m a second-class citizen within Jewry and be treated with respect by my community. I would like for when someone learns of my ‘journey’ they don’t a) ask me why i did it. or b) immediately assume i know nothing about judaism and start defining every word they use.
4. Read and understand all the words of the entire Torah b’ivrit
5. Keep my work spaces clean for longer than 30 minutes
6. Be able to devote more time to learning Torah
7. Plan a proper week of meals

Seven Things I Can’t Do:

1. Speak with my father. He passed away when I was little
2. Plan a proper week of meals. For seven lunches, dinners, and breakfast.
3. Grow taller (I’m near 5′)
4. Keep houseplants alive for longer than 3 months
5. Enjoy the telephone.
6. Ride a bike comfortably with lots of car-traffic.
7. Swim. Which is amusing as I grew up near the water and my father was a lifeguard from a very young age. [note, i am not afraid to swim in the water, I can dog paddle all day, I just do not know any "proper" swim strokes]

Seven Things That Attracted Me to My Partner:

1. His kindness
2. How he listens to me and treats me as an equal.
3. His infinite supply of patience and understanding
4. He vacuums.
5. He irons.
6. He has great fashion and people sense.
7. His care for others, through giving tzeddekah or otherwise

Seven Books That I Love:

1. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett — a family friend gave me this in a beautiful hard cover when I was 10 or so. I think I read it monthly for the next many many years. I still read it often.
2. Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card — I didn’t learn of this until University …
3. Ayn Rand — I enjoyed both The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged
4. Mercedes Lackey — Valdemar series is amazing
5. Anne McCaffrey — Pern is amazing
6. James Michener — Chesapeake was the first of his works that I read. I found all of his novels quite fascinating. I have a very soft spot for historical fiction.
7. The Torah, Neviim, Ketuvim — with soft spots for any parts featuring amazing women

Seven Movies I Watch Over and Over:
I don’t watch many movies. I never have…

1. Star Wars. Original only.
2. This one version of the Secret Garden … I’ll try to get details. My mum has the VHS

Seven People I Want to Tag:
Ok, I don’t have any people who haven’t recently done this meme, so if you feel inspired feel free!

ynet news on Iranian Uniform Law

I am shuddering from the thoughts of this. This is not my preferred term (or use) of uniforms. My heart breaks for the other minorities being forced to wear red (Christains) and blue (Persian). Idon’t know what to say. I am saddened that I don’t know what to do. I feel the same way with the child abuse scandal. With many other problems. How can I take action?

I must admit that a large part of me wants to either stick my head in the sand (when the weather is nice) or hide under a rock (for the recent weather). I don’t want to believe that all of this is happening. This sort of thing is *not* really what I was intending on covering in this “uniforms” series (nor did I want to write the other post. EVER. but I digress). I must state that I think I was trying to arrive at the following. There is a disturbing reality of being “ignored” by a certain community if one does not subscribe to the community’s uniform (hat, shaitel, kollel, shirt color, tablecloth). I agree one could (and perhaps SHOULD) be viewed as an “outsider” but that is not a good method to completely ignore the outsider in the hopes that he or she goes away or completely conforms to your ’standards’ without making any effort to assist them make that decision. (see ostrich and rock methods above)

I think.

I’m going to go crawl under the covers.

UPDATE I’ll just update this with all the links I’m finding. It’s much easier this way. I also did a no no and changed the title of the post. DEAL. It’s my blog.

1. New York Magazine article
2. angrysoul (found via dovbear) talks about his abuse.
3. orthomom see also here
4. dovbear (beware of the length of the comment thread) [he has others, just go look: here, here, here, here, and here (i think i screwed up the order, does it really matter?) ]
5. ren reb [a very very well written and tempered post. i agree with everything, including the reminder that it *strong* is an illness]

I don’t know what else to say other than wanting to scream and puke. I would try to tear people’s eyes and throats out from anger of so many knowing and no one doing but as no one did anything that point is moot (they must not have seen nor been able to say).

I have been drafting this post for ages. I think you should just go read the other posts linked from here. I’m going to try to refrain from putting my head through a wall.

It was quoted in the NY Magazine article, but i must include it here (as it was quoted there):

“He who saves one life is like saving the world. That’s what the Torah says.”

unrelated note: I am aware quite a few people know who I am. I will thus not be posting many topics I was planning on. Thank you and have a nice day.

last night my husband assisted me in picking out a nice outfit to wear today. it took a bit as i didn’t just want to wear a black skirt… nothing really seemed to go together. he seemed frustrated about it. i have tried to build as easy to mix and match as i can..

this morning he woke, showered, and grabbed a suit (he doesn’t own plain black on principle), as he was feeling groggy he took a white shirt (he rarely wears plain white), and then took a tie — with a theme for the weather. took out his shoes, added a belt and bam! he was dressed.

i know then men’s dress is really much more complicated. so many factors are considered: the cut of a jacket, to wear or not to wear a plain black suit, which type of yamulke…

i know that hats are a big deal. we’re not a hat family.

but it’s still so much simpler. i’m trying to have that type of wardrobe, but people don’t want to see me in a navy or black skirt/suit all the time. i tried that at the office for a year. one day i arrived in a different skirt that had been hanging in my closet for years and EVERYONE from my boss to the mail clerk commented on how nice i looked. i thought i looked nice most days…

[this post really isn't related to judaism at all. it's just a male/female thing. i do know of women who have a "uniform" of sorts, but i still don't think they have that type of mix and match -- or even wear the same thing all week and just change your tie -- versatility. please, someone correct me if i'm wrong and help me rebuild a decent wardrobe]

this is much more difficult to write than i first imagined. i first started drafting this back in January after dovbear had several posts on hats.

i’ve gone back and forth about what I want to write, my experiences both in my previous life and now; my interpretations as to why some feel the need for a uniform — of others and of themselves; what the definition of all of this is.

let’s see if i can come up with a coherent post. this topic is vast and i’ll see where my interest lies and where i think i want to go with it, also where if anyone has interest in my digging up or writing more.

i’ve always been drawn to uniforms for a sense of belonging. i don’t necessarily need that uniform to be part of an organization (such as a brownie uniform, or a school, or something). I see it as a stable view of me.

When I started junior high i was given some money to shop and buy new clothing. i went with a family friend (also my age). she picked out several different outfits… none of which could mix or match. i chose 2 pants (navy/black), 2 skirts (navy/black, knee length, tznius? i had no idea what that was yet), and 3-5 tops (i’m sure white, and something else, probably white and white). then i chose a dress that i felt i could wear for a while. i think it was a shift/jumper thing. probably in a solid color so i could put other things with it.

my mother and family friend thus called me “plain jane”. I just saw it as a practical uniform to put on where i didn’t have to think about it. i didn’t want people to look at my clothing labels (my school was very GAP-centric) but look at me. the cuts fit on my 12 year old body and they weren’t cropped or anything that was of style then. which my mom wanted me to wear. because they were cool. my mother also bleached my hair that summer so i’d look cool for the start of school. as it grew out (along with a horrible hair cut) i was taunted with “ruth has dirty blond hair”.. and i’m sure you can guess which word was emphasised, but i digress.

oh and i kept much of the clothing that i picked out for myself, but my budget was increased and the dress was put back and i was told to take this hideous pastel-floral thing with puffy sleeves. that could only be worn for a bit in the spring time. i think i wore it twice. i recall they tried to get me to purchase something trendy. i believe i resisted.

in highschool i pretty much lived in several uniforms depending on what i was doing. i had my athletic uniform for that aspect of my life. i lived in jeans and turtlenecks or tshirts for school (most tshirts had athletic stuff on them). for the other part of my life i had appropriate clothing for that activity — either khakis and polo shirts or formal clothing.. i did branch out beyond the navy and black but wasn’t very happy with myself. my classmates constantly made fun of my clothing, no matter what label it had, mostly because i didn’t know how to wear it and i tend to pick things out more appropriate for someone 20-30 years my senior.

i left for college with long skirts and sneakers. i thought it was slightly more adult. i then met and discovered what orthodox girls (women) wear. and i freaked. i stopped wearing skirts so as not to wear the uniform of someone i wasn’t and confuse people (especially when i was eating a meat+cheese sandwich over pesach).

we’ll ignore that i had begun reading about religion over the summer and one of my first courses was a compairson of religion course. i was on the path then…

we’ll skip a bit of time until i started the offical conversion process and moved into a frum area.

er, wait, let’s skip to the present. or very recent past… (around january)

I was walking home with a neighbor, with whom i am not very friendly but we have seen each other for years and nod to each other on the street. One day she bluntly asked where i was from because i was obviously not from “here” as i wore a certain article of clothing differently.

When i returned home i almost broke into tears. I had no idea that my uniform would single me out so much as an outsider? especially since i thought i had spent years (and many dollars) ‘perfecting’ my look to blend in. and i realized i don’t.

some examining of my wardrobe did indicate that i do stick out like a sore thumb.

i have more black skirts than I can count, some (ok 1 i prefer over all others and would LOVE to duplicate it before it is completely threadbare — in black and other colors). ok, that blends in.

However, i do not generally wear the dress (or casual dress) shoes most women here wear and generally have trainers on. This is from my athletic background and the fact that i walk everywhere i can. Since I’m under 55 this does raise a flag since I’ve not seen many women younger than that wear anything other than pointy toed black shoes with heels.

i don’t always wear a shaitel, when i do it never looks perfect like everyone else, nor did my own hair before i was married. i tie my tichel in “innovative” ways for where i live. it’s always commented that i tie it “differently”.

For a long long time i thought i had bitten and was wearing the local uniform hook, line and sinker. i didn’t think the little things i did different stuck out so much. my neighbor’s comment hit me. i’m still not sure if it hurt (i know that she has me labeled as bt, i’m not sure if a convert) or if i’m proud of it.

(pause for introspection)

i think given the other frustrations i’m currently having with where i live i’m embracing her comment as a compliment. i am, however, trying to regulate my uniform so that it won’t change so much day-to-day (long skirt, drab colors, shaitel one day; not so long, but still tznius skirt, slightly brighter colours, tichel the next…). i do wish my husband approved of long denim skirts to replace the jeans i miss terribly. they were comfortable and i don’t want to get into the pant/skirt debate here. not that i don’t have it with myself many days. he thinks long denim skirts (you know, the kind you can wear and not have to shave anything?) are only for high school girls. *sigh*

i think i’ll stop here for now. i’m not quite sure where i’m going with this and i do know this isn’t to post i first intended to write. i hope anything more i have to say doesn’t end up sitting in a drawer like my megillat ruth series as i want to take that public as me. which i both do and don’t. which is now hard to do. hmm.

open call anyone want me to talk about any aspect of this anymore? i do think eventually i would like to make some comments on what i’ve observed recently of school children, but this is observation only. i have no first-hand knowledge, nor have i ever spoken to one about their uniform.