ruth’s megillah

once known, there is a question at every turn.

If you are thinking of converting and stumbled across this blog on your late night surfing of the internet. I know I am not the first to say it. It is not an easy journey. I do not regret for one moment the choice I made, as difficult as it seems at times; as painful as it has been for family members (and the stress it causes me when they are ill). I do not recommend it for you. Be prepared for pain.

It was easier years ago. People seemed more open to “l’etranger”, to the other. They didn’t question my status. They didn’t care. If they knew, that didn’t change anything. I’m not sure this is the case anymore. Recently (long since conversion, it’s been quite a few years) I have seen friendships and other relationships of various degrees disintegrate because of who am I, once my “status” becomes known (presumably by gossip, and I did not tell it). I have had some very difficult public encounters, and while they may be right (I have not asked shailah on them because of the pain the subject causes), I disagree with the manner in which they have been executed. Yet few seem to side with me. It has caused public humiliation and singling out not just of me but other converts. Every move I make is questioned and debated, generally as if I were a child. Conversations are held “over my head” and I’m told what to do. Please. I have learned the halachah. I had very rigerous session(s) with the beis din before they decided I was ready. At times I thought I was learning for smichah, not conversion, with the details I was required to learn of kashrut. I will listen to you and obey you if you are learned and speaking with authority. I know much of this new vocabulary, which I learned as an adult. Sometimes I might know the word only in religious context and when it’s thrown out in the wilds I might question it until my brain kicks in. (The first time I saw the word “estrog” alone .. I asked my husband what it was. He understood why and explained and agreed, it did look quite out of place where it was.) I’m not going to detail all the questions, all the rudeness, all the questions that are asked of me and only of me. My dress and habits are closely scrutinized by certain people who I believe have no duty or right to do so. My husband (and often their children) will go around with worse digressions (none of which are major) and nary a word is said. If I have so much as one thread of clothing misplaced…. Regarding certain information or objects that I request, I am told “it is not important” or treated as a child and told that “i wouldn’t understand”. I am thankful these days that as a woman I am “not expected” to be in shul. There are certain shuls I will no longer set foot in no matter what. And that saddens me a good deal. A few have corrupted the majority. Words and concepts are constantly defined for me, even if i just used them to the other person. Often what may occur is that I will follow an entire conversation with an individual and then the next day when a word comes up singly (see estrong above) I may ask the meaning of a word, in context I understood, but alone the word surprised me. I am sorry for not immediately adding it to my corpus. I am told to “daven in English”. I won’t get into this now, but I read Hebrew perfectly well (out loud in front of others I get nervous and slow down, but trust me, I can read). I actually know a good majority of the words, something I don’t think everyone who davens b’ivrit does. My husband doesn’t know every word (he does know more then me). When one behaves in a rude way to me, I am never offered an apology from any of the parties in question nor a reason as to why they did what they did. To someone else? It comes in a heartbeat. Many believe that my kitchen will never be kosher enough. In an attempt to fix this, I rekashered it milchich so as to not worry that my husband (who was not raised with a fully kosher kitchen (aka two sets of everything). plus we are vegetarian so why bother having fleishic?)) inadvertaintely treif it. [the rare times my husband decides he wants meat, we either go out, or I change the tablecloths and we eat on disposable. it happens maybe twice a year.] That I will eat items not cholov yisrael makes me less “something”. I’m sorry, perhaps that is true. If I can find the product cholov yisrael I try to purchase that. We have started to buy “regular” milk because my husband balked greatly at the grocery bill. I cut out meat and lots of “frivolous foods” so switching milk was the next step. In the US it’s still considered kosher by most authorities. I no longer eat tootsie rolls, which I miss terribly (they are not kosher at all), am I to give up m&m’s and snickers bars too (which are OU-D, not cholov yisrael)? If there was a cholov yisrael equivalent i would jump at it. trust me. I do not eat soy bacon, at least not since i started the path to judaism. [i ate some while on a vegetarian phase in jr high] (i do eat soy pepperoni on occasion, but never on pizza). i have a difficult time eating kosher california sushi rolls, just because it’s “crab”. i saw “shrimp” in the freezer section the other day and while i’m insanely curious i don’t dare, nor ask my husband to pick it up either, in case someone sees him or i purchasing it. Even though I have seen many with it in their cart. I would love to buy some and invite my mother for a meal. She would love to see “shrimp scampi” on the menu. I am ignored if I have my hair up in a ball cap, yet individuals fall over themselves to say hi when I’m in shaitel or snood and a long black skirt. They say “oh we can’t wait to see you at the simchah/siyum/etc” … and no invitation ever materializes. I’m not sure how to pose this question directly to the host but excuses have become more and more interesting. We won’t talk about the envelopes that come addressed to “Ruth’s In-laws & Son”– and those are from people invited to our wedding. For those who didn’t, i can not fault. (nb: my husband is the only son.)

And of course there are those who are not religous, and I get a long litany from them. Why do I not ignore them all completely? Many have been my friend for a long time. Some I work with. Some have helped me through difficult times. I think it would be chillul hashem to say, I’m sorry, I’m Jewish now, I can’t talk with you ever again. It’s ok for me to say I’m sorry, I can’t eat with you there, or meet with you on that day or time; can we compromise? (They don’t always see it that way. I have drifted away from them).

I could go on and on. but why? This is helpful to me in getting it out, but what good does it do others?

I’ve come to realize that what i was warned many years ago and didn’t believe (because it wasn’t true at the time) is true today.

I will always be on the outside looking in. to some, no matter who has certified my conversion, it will never be enough. it is not enough to be the daughter of Avraham Avinu (our father) and Sarah Imanu (our mother). Nor to follow in the steps of Ruth. they will always question me. keep me away so as not to corrupt their perfect vision of judaism.

And this is what I tried to get away from. Men who believed they know more than G-d.

there is more i want to say but will not for now. i worry i have done enough damage.

This Elul I will be looking inside myself and looking to correct these wrongs. Why am I blaming these individuals? Who am I to pass judgment on their actions? I am the one being rude. I am a stranger. I will always be. I know that I will never be accepted by others. I just hope that one day I have the understanding and (if i might be so bold) the wisdom to accept myself.